Friday, January 20, 2006

January is Year

January is never ending huh?! It’s an odd time of year actually. What with Xmas, all the Xpectation and pressure of getting everything ready; the presents; food; drink; family. Then you realise that you have no wrapping paper; that the sticky tape is yellowed or the Turkey didn’t want to be eaten and has eloped with the Mince pies (yes all of them) and gone on it’s honeymoon to Lapland (where Santa is actually waiting with a pickaxe and pre-heated oven). Poor Turkey. The mince pies are okay. Apparently Santa gave those to his reindeer. The reindeer heard that working season was upon them so they dug a tunnel under the ice and died whilst trying to reach some sunny paradise that is undiscovered by human life-forms and by the pro-life/anti vivisection posses. Poor things. The kids stockings are empty and the man that you thought loved you and his/your offspring (so would happily play Santa Claus in real Santa’s absence) is actually playing with department store Santa Claus’s second cousin, twice removed, in the attic, not yours, his.

So Xmas was a flop but no worries because though we spend 9 months and a bit getting ready for it we can’t wait for it to be over because then we have the New Year. That’s the main event. No baby in a manger. No three kings. No wise men (because they are all brain dead by 10am New Year’s Eve). But hang on… a problem. If the New Year is the main event…then why did I lose my husband; my turkey and my favourite apron - (I wrapped it up and gave it to granny, she wouldn’t know it was second hand, I simply told her that the gravy stains were evidence of the hard work that had gone in to making it…making it dirty that is, but she will never know) - before it?

Actually my Xmas was alright. The tree stayed up. The lights worked when they were meant to and all the fights and stuff? Well, nobody got killed (though before he ran away my Turkey lost one of his tail feathers). Oh and I got the present I’ve always felt I should have received by now. What you ask? Socks. 3 pairs of them. Thank you Sock Fairy.

New Year was a riot. Literally. I went round my town chewing on a large piece of decaying grass and kicking people’s walls whilst singing “feed the birds, tuppence a bag”. Somebody offered me a bag of birds for 1 pence but think they kinda missed the point somewhat. By the end of the night I had some bloody toes and a sore tongue but calmed my nerves by feeding all of the birds myself. It was a New Year that I shall never forget and though it was a little strange…Yes, it is also completely made up. Think I have that illness where I habitually lie a lot…I’m kidding.


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